The Silent Marriage Killer That’s More Deadly Than Sex & Money

The Silent Marriage Killer That’s More Deadly Than Sex & Money

I got the answer wrong when the seminar presenter asked what the silent marriage killer was. Would you get it wrong?

Just after my wife and I got married, we attended a seminar on aiding the rehabilitation of human trafficking victims, particularly those trafficked for sex. (I won’t get into all that…that’s another story for another day.) In one of the presenter’s talks, he asked the audience what the biggest cause of divorce was. Since I had just been through premarital counseling, I pretty much felt like an expert at marriage. I shot my hand up quickly to answer the question, and blurted out, “Sex, money and communication!” …then looked at my wife next to me and grinned. Too easy.

“Wrong,” the presenter barked back. “Those are symptoms of the real problem.”


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Ouch. Embarrassed much?

Not only was I given a sharp lesson in humility, but what followed changed my life. I was about to be told the best piece of marriage advice that this young, prideful, newly married man-boy could’ve ever asked for.

He continued…

“The reason marriages end in divorce is because of one thing…unmet expectations.” That’s a marriage killer!

*mind blown*


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My newly married man-boy brain couldn’t handle the revelation. I don’t remember much of what was said after that. I was too busy thinking of all the unmet expectations I was already experiencing after being married a month.

Since that seminar six years ago, I have seen the pain and frustration that plays out from having unmet expectations, not just in marriage, but in all relationships. It’s a deadly venom that flows to the heart and wreaks havoc in relationships.

But having unmet expectations isn’t just a marriage problem. It’s a life problem.


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It doesn’t matter whether you’re single, married, working, unemployed, old, young or [insert demographic here]. Having unmet expectations is lethal to everyone. No one is immune.

So…what’s the solution?

I’m a math guy. I ‘heart’ equations. I love crunching numbers and thoroughly enjoyed algebra and calculus in high school (although I probably couldn’t do a calculus problem to save my life now). So I came across an equation.

EXPECTATION – OBSERVATION = FRUSTRATION

Here’s what that means. Below are two hypothetical situations played out…

EXPECTATION

When I come home from a long day at work, I EXPECT my wife to have dinner prepared and ready for us to sit down and eat as a family. She’ll be wearing an apron with no food stains on it (because she’s perfect like that) and her hair will be perfectly done up. Meanwhile, my 16-month old daughter will sit in her high chair and eat with utensils…never missing her mouth, which makes cleanup a breeze.

After we all finish eating at exactly the same time, we’ll head out into the Colorado sun and go for a nice family stroll, while the butler (you read that right…BUTLER son) cleans up the kitchen and prepares our home for evening activities.


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OBSERVATION

I come home from work thirty minutes late, and dinner hasn’t even been thought of…much less started. Because of this, my toddler is screaming her head off, signing “MORE! PLEASE! EAT!” When I search for my wife, I find her working on a design project trying to meet a deadline that’s technically already past due. When I ask what’s for dinner, she glares at me the way only an overworked, overtired work-from-home-momma can glare (it can scald your pupils…so the legend goes).

After picking up my toddler, I make my way into the kitchen to find an abundance of NO GROCERIES. So, being the manly chef that I am, I set my eyes on cheese and bread. “Grilled cheese!” I exclaim. I put my daughter in her high chair as an influx of rage bursts from within her. I quickly grab the apple sauce pouch to appease her. It works…for now. I get to work on my grilled cheese sandwiches. Everyone eats. The kitchen is left a mess.


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Toys are scattered throughout the living room just waiting to break someone’s ankle. My wife and I collapse on the couch, avoiding eye contact and avoiding volunteering to clean the kitchen. I could keep going but…you get the picture.

FRUSTRATION = The difference between the two.

Quite an elaborate illustration, I know. But I’m trying to paint the picture of what our expectations can be like versus what life is actually like…what we observe. (DISCLAIMER: In no way was that illustration indicative of my actual life. It’s either not true at all, or highly exaggerated…or spot on. The jury’s still out.)

Antonio Banderas says it best, “Expectation is the mother of all frustration.”

The fact of the matter is this: In life, we often have expectations that go unmet, and we’re often frustrated because of it.

But we don’t HAVE to be.


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Here’s the answer: Let your OBSERVATION take precedence over your EXPECTATION. Period.

In other words, go with the flow.

Some would say to not have any expectations at all. But I wouldn’t go that far. I think healthy, realistic expectations that are communicated are good to have. They’re something to reach for.

But when you come into a situation and your expectations aren’t met, let your observation take the lead. Discard your expectation in the moment and deal with reality at hand.

Tired of being frustrated? Then set aside your unmet expectations and face reality head on. Then, after the fact, have a conversation with whoever is involved about what you expect and why.

Got a silent marriage killer in your life? In what ways have you dealt with unmet expectations? How have you positively handled facing reality? What other ways have you combated frustration? Leave a comment below for discussion!

Read the source: http://www.inspiremore.com/marriage-killer/

Derek is a gifted leader, writer, speaker, musician, and visionary. He has been a justice filmmaker, pastor, financial coach, songwriter, and an advocate for the voiceless. He writes about gaining influence, leading well, and connecting deeper at www.derekharvey.me. He resides in the Pacific Northwest with his beautiful wife and daughter, whom he’s smitten with. Follow him on TwitterFacebook, and his website.

Here-under are some articles about family and marriage for you to read or watch: 

  1. Getting to know you, please click this link: http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/?p=284
  2. Be Positive, please click this link: http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/?p=288
  3. Love and Marriage, please click this link: http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/?p=292
  4. Endless Love – Marriage after all, please click this link: http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/?p=294
  5. Say it with love, please click this link: http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/?p=298
  6. Quality family moments, please click this link: http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/?p=300
  7. Secret of successful marriage, please click this link: http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/?p=302
  8. The vocation of marriage, please click this link: http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/?p=1968
  9. Marriage as Covenant, please click this link: http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/?p=1974
  10. Humility: Foundation for Marital Happiness, please click this link: http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/?p=1986
  11. Gratitude: Foundation for marriage, please click this link: http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/?p=1980
  12. True Meaning of marriage, please click this link: http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/?p=1972
  13. Marriage and incompatibility, please click this link: http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/?p=2112
  14. Love is a garden, please click this link: http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/?p=2116
  15. Three kinds of love, please click this link: http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/?p=2095

Have the courage to marry, start a family, Pope Francis tells youths in Assisi http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/05/30/have-the-courage-to-marry-start-a-family-pope-francis-tells-youths-in-assisi/

Pope Francis says marriage can only be between a man and a woman and ‘we cannot change it’  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/09/07/pope-francis-says-marriage-can-only-be-between-a-man-and-a-woman-and-we-cannot-change-it/

THE DOWNLOAD: CLARIFYING MARRIAGE – A canon lawyer joins the panel  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/05/15/the-download-clarifying-marriage-a-canon-lawyer-joins-the-panel/

The Beauty of Marriage from a Biblical Perspective  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/02/12/the-beauty-of-marriage-from-a-biblical-perspective/

Saint Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body in Video Presentation Saint Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body in Video Presentation

Sophia Sketchpad on Marriage Sophia Sketchpad – Marriage

Sacraments 101: Matrimony (Why make it Catholic)? Sacraments 101: Matrimony (Why make it Catholic?)

Want to change the world? It starts with joy – Archbishop Charles Chaput says http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/07/28/want-to-change-the-world-it-starts-with-joy-archbishop-charles-chaput-says/

How to Fix the “Annulment of Marriage Mentality”?  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/07/14/how-to-fix-the-annulment-of-marriage-mentality/

A love that is life long: The marriage God wants for you A love that is life long: The marriage God wants for you

What’s destroying some Catholic marriages? What’s destroying some Catholic marriages?

‘Love Is Love’—or is it? http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/10/06/love-is-love-or-is-it/

The worm that is killing married love http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/10/06/the-worm-that-is-killing-married-love/

‘An act of pure evil’: Are rifles or relationships at the bottom of the madness in Las Vegas?   http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/10/06/an-act-of-pure-evil-are-rifles-or-relationships-at-the-bottom-of-the-madness-in-las-vegas/

The Centrality of Love to the Teaching of Humanae Vitae  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/07/21/the-centrality-of-love-to-the-teaching-of-humanae-vitae/

Historian lays out how we’ve arrived at today’s unprecedented attacks on the family http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/05/20/historian-lays-out-how-weve-arrived-at-todays-unprecedented-attacks-on-the-family/

Divorce’s many victims Divorce’s many victims

What Catholics need to know about marriage and sex, Part 2 What Catholics need to know about marriage and sex, Part 2

Why happily married women need to talk about sex?  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/04/08/why-happily-married-women-need-to-talk-about-sex/

Can a Catholic sign a pre-nuptial agreement? Can a Catholic sign a pre-nuptial agreement?

We want Church truth on marriage, young Catholics say We want Church truth on marriage, young Catholics say

Wives, Be Subordinate to Your Husbands? – John Paul II on Ephesians 5:21-33 http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2016/02/12/wives-be-subordinate-to-your-husbands-john-paul-ii-on-ephesians-521-33/

An Open Letter to the Adulterers outed by the Ashley Madison Hackers An Open Letter to the Adulterers Outed by the Ashley Madison Hackers

Pro-life, Married & Contracepting: Is there a a problem? Pro-life, Married & Contracepting: Is there a problem?

Pope Francis’ General Audience: The Family is an irreplaceable source of stability for children Pope Francis’ General Audience: The Family is an irreplaceable source of stability for children

The 4 most important parts of marriage The 4 most important parts of marriage

Pre-Cana with St. John Chrysostom: 7 Tips to a successful marriage Pre-Cana with St. John Chrysostom: 7 Tips to a successful marriage

Reflections on the Indissolubility of Marriage and the Trinity http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2016/02/12/reflections-on-the-indissolubility-of-marriage-and-the-trinity/

Why Is Marriage Indissoluble? “The first natural tie of human society is man and wife.” St. Augustine http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2016/04/14/why-is-marriage-indissoluble-the-first-natural-tie-of-human-society-is-man-and-wife-st-augustine/

Sins Against the sacrament of marriage 44 Sins against the sacrament of marriage

Live-in: Research facts and analysis on cohabitation Live-in: Research facts and analysis on cohabitation

Bishop Olmsted Calls Men Into the Breach http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2016/02/05/bishop-olmsted-calls-men-into-the-breach/

Pope Francis: When families teach forgiveness, they strengthen society Pope Francis: When families teach forgiveness, they strengthen society

THIS EUROPEAN NATION JUST FOUGHT THE GAY AGENDA AND WON – Pope Francis lent a hand http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2015/12/23/this-european-nation-just-fought-the-gay-agenda-and-won-pope-francis-lent-a-hand/

Never Date a Feminist: 12 Warning Signs for Young Men http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2016/04/07/never-date-a-feminist-12-warning-signs-for-young-men/

Keeping sex for marriage helps marriages last the distance http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2016/06/15/keeping-sex-for-marriage-helps-marriages-last-the-distance/

Pope Francis: Most Catholic marriages are null, some ‘cohabitations’ are ‘real marriage’ http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2016/06/19/pope-francis-most-catholic-marriages-are-null-some-cohabitations-are-real-marriage/

Why Christ Will Never Let His Bride Redefine Marriage? http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2016/08/19/why-christ-will-never-let-his-bride-redefine-marriage/

Gay ‘marriage’: It’s not gay, and it’s not marriage – G.K. Chesterton  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2016/09/14/gay-marriage-its-not-gay-and-its-not-marriage-g-k-chesterton/

Church’s Teaching on Marriage Comes From Author of Creation, Say Bishops  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2016/09/16/churchs-teaching-on-marriage-comes-from-author-of-creation-say-bishops/

The family in the era of soulmate marriage http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2016/09/29/the-family-in-the-era-of-soulmate-marriage/

Why millenials don’t want kids… Are their reasons good enough? http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2016/09/29/why-millenials-dont-want-kids-are-their-reasons-good-enough/

Real insights about porn and marriage  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2016/10/28/real-insights-about-porn-and-marriage/

10 Issues You Should Discuss Before You Get Married (otherwise your marriage could be invalid!) http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2016/11/12/10-issues-you-should-discuss-before-you-get-married-otherwise-your-marriage-could-be-invalid/

Engaged Couple’s Spiritual Checklist http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2016/11/13/engaged-couples-spiritual-checklist/

Should You Get Married in the Church? 7 Couples Share Their Experience  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2016/11/13/should-you-get-married-in-the-church-7-couples-share-their-experience/

Must Catholics Marry in a Church? Must Catholics Have Their Wedding in a Church? http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2016/11/13/must-catholics-marry-in-a-church-must-catholics-have-their-wedding-in-a-church/

Last Video Released in Series on Marriage http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2016/12/21/last-video-released-in-series-on-marriage/

For Catholics A Woman’s Place is in the Home http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/01/20/for-catholics-a-womans-place-is-in-the-home/

Real Women- The Catholic View Marriage and Family http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/01/20/real-women-the-catholic-view-marriage-and-family/

Real Women- Feminine Virtue and the Moral Life  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/01/20/real-women-feminine-virtue-and-the-moral-life/

The Human Person Is a Bioethical Word http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/01/20/the-human-person-is-a-bioethical-word/

Millennials stall the gender revolution in the home  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/04/08/millennials-stall-the-gender-revolution-in-the-home/

‘Don’t Judge’ — How to Respond When Your Relativistic Friend Quotes Jesus  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/04/22/dont-judge-how-to-respond-when-your-relativistic-friend-quotes-jesus/

Don’t divorce: Powerful arguments for saving and revitalizing your marriage http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/04/22/dont-divorce-powerful-arguments-for-saving-and-revitalizing-your-marriage/

Procreation: Still the Primary End of Marriage  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/04/25/procreation-still-the-primary-end-of-marriage/

Archbishop Charles Chaput: ‘The future belongs to people with children, not with things’ http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/08/02/archbishop-charles-chaput-the-future-belongs-to-people-with-children-not-with-things/

Birth Control and NFP: What’s the Difference?  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/07/14/birth-control-and-nfp-whats-the-difference/

Divorce, Remarriage, and “Discerning the Body” http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/05/17/divorce-remarriage-and-discerning-the-body/

Annulments of Marriage: A Concession to Human Weakness  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/07/05/annulments-of-marriage-a-concession-to-human-weakness/

PSYCHOLOGIST VICKI THORN: FREE LOVE HAS CREATED CHAOS  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/07/27/psychologist-vicki-thorn-free-love-has-created-chaos/

Bishop Thomas Paprocki under fire for denying funerals for people in same-sex ‘marriages’ refuses to back down http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/07/30/bishop-thomas-paprocki-under-fire-for-denying-funerals-for-people-in-same-sex-marriages-refuses-to-back-down/

But What About Abusive Marriages?  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/08/04/but-what-about-abusive-marriages/

Sex, Sanity, and Beliefs that ‘Live Loudly’ Within Us – Archbishop Charles Chaput http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/09/13/sex-sanity-and-beliefs-that-live-loudly-within-us-archbishop-charles-chaput/

What Makes a Marriage Valid?  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/08/09/what-makes-a-marriage-valid/

What’s changed in Britain since same-sex marriage? http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/09/13/whats-changed-in-britain-since-same-sex-marriage/

Subversion, liberty, and ‘marriage equality’  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/09/14/subversion-liberty-and-marriage-equality/

AUSTRALIAN BISHOP VINCENT LONG WON’T FIGHT GAY MARRIAGE VOTE  http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/09/14/australian-bishop-vincent-long-wont-fight-gay-marriage-vote/

Alternative truths: A wife’s view of a gay coming out http://www.pagadiandiocese.org/2017/09/15/alternative-truths-a-wifes-view-of-a-gay-coming-out/

“God himself is the author of marriage” (GS 48:1). The vocation of marriage is written in the very nature of man and woman as they came from the hand of the Creator. Marriage is not a purely human institution despite the many variations it may have undergone through the centuries in different cultures, social structures, and spiritual attitudes (CCC:1603)